Tangled
Love? Crush? Puppy love? Temporary attraction? I cannot distinguish how I felt about someone.She isn't the beautiful type with a slim, sexy, supermodel body that you could lust for. I'm just drawn to her modesty. Her slightly round face. Her messy hair, always tied up in a ponytail. And I frequently find myself attracted to her adorable movements. The way she walks is undeniably cute. She sang in class the other day. Her voice is like an angel to me, even though she sang out of tune. There's something about her voice that's very soothing. It's a pleasant feeling to hear her talk.
I tried finding flaws in her. So that I won't fall deeper for her. But it's in vain. When I could find her faults, they vanish quicker than a puff of smoke. Her inner beauty, suddenly appears and covers these flaws. From time to time, she made this little comments about how cute I am sometimes. It may be just another friendly remark to her, but it carries such a significant meaning to me. Yes, you are even more adorable. You have no idea. I can't tell you these words, can I?
I'm not close to her, vice versa. We merely happen to be classmates, not friends. But I know that sometimes she's unhappy with her mom. At that moment, I felt the urge to cuddle and console her. To shower her with all the affections if she needs. I want to feel her next to me. I long to craddle her in my arms. Unconsciously, I beamed when I received her text messages. I even find the way she expresses her words to be adorable. On her birthday, I delibrately reloaded my mobile so that I could send her a greeting.
But as I think further about this feeling, I am disgusted with myself. How could I have feelings for a straight classmate. If I were to act on them, I cannot imagine the consequences. Same-sex relationship is socially unacceptable here. Even if I could be with her, I don't think I have the heart to destroy her future that way. I wouldn't care how I might end up but she has a bright future with her. But then again, there is no point brooding over this, because it is highly unlikely that we can be together.
I feel extremely save to post here as opposed to writing in a diary or something in the hardcopy form. This will remain as another anynomous posting in a corner of the Internet. Either nobody reads or someone reads, then pass it as another dilemma faced by a confused teen. I don't have the energy to explain all this shit to anyone who finds out. Damn, life is pretty scary as you grow into adulthood.
