Thursday, September 1
Finding Wings
I hope any of the overseas job applications will be materialized soon. I've been waiting patiently to get out of my hometown. The best time of my life has actually been during the 4 years in university, away from home, away from relatives, living my life with total freedom. It's such a stupid mistake to even consider taking up the offer in my hometown as my first job. Now I'm regretting every minute more I'm spending here.
It doesn't and should never feel good hearing your own parents saying things that don't side you. They think they are talking sense into you but really, there are appropriate time and tone that can be used. What's the deal with the mocking that I don't exercise enough, thus causing myself to fall sick? So it was my fault that I had a fever. Thanks, but I would appreciate some parental concern and save the lecture for another time while I was lying on the bed having barely an ounce of energy to fight back.
Then there's the assumption that I always keep things to myself or I'm always the party who is responsible. It was the assumption that made me mad in the first place and wanted to keep quiet. When they don't ask what was wrong and made an assumption, there's nothing to be said. From that point on, I never felt like they care. All I wanted was some consolation from them. But dad says, if you want to be happy, you have to search it on your own. Well I believe happiness can be given too. Like how my girlfriend has given me smiles whenever I'm with her.
From multiple past experiences since I was young, it was the period in college that I have told myself not to bother telling them anything. Somehow those experiences are etched to my mind. One time after coming home from Girl's Scout camp, I relay to mom my joy of my team winning a few awards in the categories. All she said was, it must have been all my other particular friend's effort. Each time I recall this memory, it evokes emotional pain.
Another incident was when I was younger, just starting primary school. My sister was only a newborn. I have always been quite a forgetful person I suppose. One day, I left mom's bag with my baby sister's milk bottles at the parking lot. Yup, could have caused my sis to die of hunger I guess, because the moment I told mom, I was scolded with all kinds of cursed words imaginable. I think death would be less painful than sharp words spoken by your loved ones.
It feels good to let this out. I know no one understands, so I didn't want to ever mention it. It's easier to type it off into oblivion. I did sort of tell this to my girlfriend, but her family is compassionate. It's just another side of a story which is not comprehensible when you don't have the kind of experience. Just need to let this out before it boils off the top.
Saturday, July 9
Staring in from outside
Common sense tells, patience is one of the key to be in a long distance relationship. Sometimes or some days, I just lose it. It is annoying when I don't know what she has in plan for the day. We chat, just a bunch of empty conversations. And then I get a last minute message when she's just leaving, telling me that she's already out somewhere or is going to meet some friends for dinner. I know, at least she lets me know. But the fact that I'm only aware of it at the last minute, makes me feel insignificant... because for one, I'm not there at her side, I don't get to play a part in her daily life and second, to be informed last minute feels like it's none of my business, that she's just letting me know out of courtesy. Maybe I sound like a mom here. I dunno, I just hate this feeling of not being able to be involved. I feel a little like an outsider.
Tuesday, May 31
Wow, reunion!
I was sorting through my e-mails from way back, and somehow, lead me back here. Once my teenage ranting and cursing space ;) Of course, I still curse like an old sailor, 5 years later. When I'm extremely pissy or to make a joke out of it. I have a survivable (my English has gone down the drain btw) paying job. It is boring and make my ass fat. But it pays. I've met a loving girlfriend now. We've been together for 1 year and 4 months, figuratively. In reality, it is much less because we are in a long distance relationship. There is a purpose in life now.Life is a passing moment and mundane when I'm not with my girlfriend. I love holding her hands and going for movies whenever we visit each other :)
I read back some of my posts and questioned how I became so addicted to The L Word. I did try to follow through until Season 6, but it was so hard after Season 3 with the insane story lines (plural, ask Ilene Chaiken the variation). There was incrementally more choice for lesbian tv when I was in university. I managed to get hold of Los Hombres de Paco, and etc (my memory isn't working too well nowadays @.@ ). Currently I'm catching up with Calzona of Grey's Anatomy. Delicious. Oh, I'm still in the closet. That means I have a secret girlfriend and I'm her secret girlfriend too =D
Tuesday, June 27
Wake Me Up Before Friday Comes
music: Harmonica - Boys And Girls
OMG. I have a thousand and one tasks to complete before Friday! This is bloody messing with my procrastinator self.
- Pack a shit load of stuff for university
- Clear a shit load of stuff from my room
- Buy new slacks and skirts
- Buy luggage bag
- Delete traces of my gay porn infested PC, reformat and install a new OS
- Collect all necessary documents in a folder
I just read through all the rules and regulations sent by the university and I felt as if I was going back to school! To make matter worse, someone whom I could not get along with for the past two years will be my coursemate and to her initation, may very likely become my roommate. She's also a Christian who doesn't act like one. If mom and dad found out that she's a Christian, I know they'd be ecstatic. They are already searching for a nearby church at the campus and make me bring a bible. My aunt on the other hand, wants me to carry along The Purpose Driven Life but I've already packed it together with Harry Potter and Michael Crichton in the top shelf. I've browsed the university website and I can't find a Photography Club to join. I woke up this morning with a sore throat and slight fever. The course offered to me is Computer Engineering - my second choice, ahead of my first choice which is an Agro-based course. I suppose you can never escape life's challenge. My first hurdle is to establish a good relationship with
her and interest in the course.
It's going to be a miserable four years
Friday, June 23
Online Test
Fast Laptop & Ghana Goodness
This is super fun! OMG, I'm excited :) :D ^_^
Man, I'm so lame ;) I've succeeded in connecting my laptop to the DSL modem after many tries. The solution is to connect the USB cable to the USB port behind instead of the one on the side. Sounds pretty dumb-ass but it fixed the problem.
Ghana is in the last 16. That's wonderful. One of the underdogs I'm keeping an eye on. A team I can cheer on when I'm being denied of England matches by the local TV stations @ the moronic biased stations.
And my prayer tonight, is to see Croatia win against Australia when I wake up in the morning.
1.30am, time for erm... sleep? I almost don't recognise sleep. Sleep sleeep sleeeep...
Thursday, June 22
Duped
I was up 32 hours yesterday, pried my eyes open at 3am, slept at 5am this morning, only to watch
a goalless draw between Netherlands and Argentina!F***()#%)_#(%!+@_$(*(%#*
And F*** the local TV station for not airing a single England match. I'm forced to watch matches where I don't favour either team. Lame.
Humpph! Well at least there's a 9.45pm match tonight between Czech R. and Italy.
Tuesday, June 20
A Relief Sigh To Mark The End Of Trip
music: Futureheads - Skip To The End
Finally home sweet home after an ever exhausting backpacking trip. Mentally exhausting, not physically, mind you. It's never an easy task to come up with a final decision when there are three fickle minded girls in a group. Hum well... I shouldn't exclude myself but hell, I'll never be able to match them in a gazillion years! I had to make fucking simple decisions 80% of the time we were together. It was a living nightmare I wish never to relive. I have absolutely zero knowledge about getting around but I was the one automatically being refered to when we came to a blunder as to where to go. When I insisted that one of them to decide instead of me, no one could do it and they'd rather stand there. Oh my fucking goodness. What's so difficult with that? In the beginning, everyone seemed to be excited by the idea of backpacking. What's backpacking when there aren't any walking involved? I got so sick of hearing complains about blisters, mosquito bites and sore legs which came like every 5 minutes. Drives me up the wall! u_u
