Friday, June 24
Run (Speed of Light)
music: Coldplay - Speed of Sound
I'm pretty much ready for the "cross-country run" tomorrow. It is a school level, inter-house team competiton and literally, should be called cross-roads run. We'll start from the school compound and run a huge around on the pedestrian walk back to school. Undoubtedly, we are all gonna appear silly in front of the motorists ¬_¬ I've been trying to improve my stamina for the past 3 weeks by hiking and jogging round the blocks. Hopefully those exercises will pay off or at least do not make me feel lethargic after the run. I may not be able to get into the top 8 finishers after all. I don't think I'm good enough to beat the others, evaluating from the run I did this evening. I couldn't run without stopping to a stroll. In addition to that, I'm PMS-ing and my lower abdomen hurts when I do vigorous exercises. Damn you stinky menstrual cycle! Nonetheless, I'm putting in 100% for the run.
I kept thinking back to the pictures I took at the Floral Festival. I can't accept the fact that the negatives were gonner before I could even send them for processing. It's really sad to see your effort being washed down the drain. I experimented a little by including human elements into the photos, especially elderly people and children. Something which I've never tried due to my lack of confidence when dealing with people. I think the one with two children playing at the gazebo decorated with lanterns made of recycled items would have turn out wonderful. It's really heart wrenching that the camera is also broken now. I don't what I should do because I borrow it from my grandpa. He had it with him for 40 years and was kept in good condition, but when it reaches my hand, it was broken by the 6th month I had it with me. Anybody would have kill me for being so stupid at handling things. I'm so afraid of telling anyone, including my parents ;( Nobody would believe or understand what happened to the camera.
Guhh, peace out..
Monday, June 20
Fuck You All
music: cali=gali - Erotopia
I'm fucking pissed today. Everybody seems to treat me like a fool. Just because I don't raise up my voice frequently and I try to stay out of conflict with people doesn't mean that I'm a timid, stupid person you can take advantage of. Fuck all of you! Looking at the pictures I took at Graduation Luncheon angers me further. There are more pictures which has my friend in it than myself. I was being helpful to her because she had forgotten to bring a memory card along. 70% of the pictures that I only wanted to take with my own friends had her in it. I could have told her my intention, but that seemed a little harsh on her because she always treat my friends as hers. I know her and I didn't want to crush her ego. She never once offered to help to take my pictures. On the other hand, I helped her when she needed her pictures taken. So as to not ruin the wonderful afternoon, I didn't go to the extent of arguing with her.
Sometimes when you are being too nice to people and always try to be helpful, people take advantage of that. It's killing me! Why can't a person be nice to me for once? This fucking classmate whom I lended my shirt to for Sports Day mocked me because of a dumb mistake I made. It's humiliating enough and she had to aggravate it further. Fuck you!
Yet I am trying to correct some underexposed pictures of the Luncheon to distribute them to my classmates. Sometimes I wonder why should one even care about others when others never care about you. They never realize that you've helped them and always take you for granted anyway.
Saturday, June 18
Feelings.. Why Do You Need Them?
music: Train - When I Look To The Sky
Fuck it. Why can't someone just be more understanding towards me. It's that way in school and outside, but I don't care because we don't have a close relationship. Let bygones be bygones.. that's how you live your life outside. Otherwise, you'll be offended very easily because people do hurt you. That's a daily occurance I cannot escape. However, when it comes to your parents not being understanding, that totally breaks my heart and I swell with emotion for a second. How could they pass judgement so quickly about me without first understanding the situation that I was in? Does everything has to be my fault? Why must me always be the one to be blamed first while the outsiders are always sparred? Fuck.
And I'm reacting really stupidly around this girl I have a crush on. Though I'm not showing it but I get jealous easily when she treats someone with such friendly manner. With me it's just hi and bye. Lately I find myself stealing glances of her, unconsciously. I wish I could just shut down my emotions and feelings. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't know how to act or what to do with my feelings. The funny thing is that... I don't even have anything in common with her. I hate all those pop singers she admires. Just what kind of shit is my feeling messing with me. Fuck. And she has a boyfriend, for god's sake. I'm so disgusted with myself.
Wednesday, June 15
Survived Mid Term Phobia
I've received the marks for my mid term papers >_< They're pretty unconvincing to me in the beginning, because it seems impossible to obtain marks in the 60-70 range when I barely studied at all. I crammed everything for Physics, Chemistry and Maths in a week of school break. I didn't practice or try doing the exercises. I only started reading for General Paper a day before O_o Yet to be sparred from failing is a great blessing. My classmates who had started revising earlier only managed to garner about the same marks as I do. So, why fret over studying for your exam? Throw away the anxiety of sitting for exam and start playing :) There is no reason to stress yourself out or pull the fun out of your life.
I can't believe that I have to start looking for a pair of lady sandals today. Gurrrghh.. yuck! I'll bet I look hideous regardless of how fabulous the sandals is.
Lately we get to play Scrabble in English class ^___^ It was weird because there were times where I could form the words
lesbian and
bisexual if only 2 more suitable letters were available and once I had all
GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transexual) alphabets. Wooweee.. :P Today I placed the word
sex. Heh.. I'm a dirty Scrabble player o_^
Saturday, June 11
Shopping
music: Garbage - Bleed Like Me (album)
As planned yesterday, my dad, sis and I went to a shopping complex this afternoon. But I came home
empty handed with things I'm supposed to buy for the Graduation Luncheon. Instead, I bought two albums, a cool keychain with an attached compass and mobile phone cover. Now my phone looks brand new and I'm not about to change it, even though it's not a colour phone, no polyphonic feature, no camera and etc.
I really need mom's help to choose a pair of formal girly shoes for the luncheon. I can't even make myself to try on a pair. I look hideous in those strappy things. If only sneakers was an option. She's due to arrive at 9.30pm from her trip overseas. So dad has gone to pick her up at the airport. I'm pretty sure I'll be on desperado mode this coming Friday in order to look presentable for the next day ¬_¬
Garbage is just fucking remarkable with their latest album! I love it to every bits. They are finally back. This is what I remember they used to be singing.. the first Garbage 2.0 album I picked up when I was 12! Gosh, I love them! In addition to this, I also found Rilo Kiley's album :> How fucking awesome is that! Who could have thought that I might find it in this mainstream infested country? Um, well.. I dunno if they're still considered indie after signing to Warner Brothers label. Hum, anyhow.. their genre is pop-rock, and I probably wouldn't even care to sample it. But I really adore the song Portions For Foxes used in one of the fan-made video of TLW. After listening to the entire album, I found myself liking the songs because they aren't as pop-ish as I thought they would be. They are the type that I would listen to when I'm travelling in the car and laying on a sandy beach. Two very worthwhile albums!
Friday, June 10
Graduation Luncheon
Everyone is preparing themselves for the Graduation Luncheon. Shopping for pretty dress, browsing through accessories, finding kick ass strappy heels, going for hair treatment, shelling out every cent worth in the pocket in order to look amazing for that day. Hmmm..then what the hell am I doing here, sitting all day long in front of the computer downloading indie music? I think I might.. just might try to buy something this coming weekend to adorn myself for the luncheon. I'm not too keen though. I never like shopping for clothes and girly shoes. Such mundane tasks.
My friends had bought cool velvet jacket, expensive Hush Puppy heels, dresses that cost over $60 and some accessories. I'm still wondering what to wear. How pathetic is that. While others are walking miles in shopping complexes, my pathetic little self is at home, filling word puzzles hoping to win the $30,000 so I could purchase a DSLR, iPod and plenty of indie albums. I'm not complaining. I kinda like the way it is right now :)
Nevertheless, to up my enthusiasm to shop this weekend, I'm going to treat myself Garbage's newest album Bleed Like Me. Their past album Beautiful Garbage wasn't up to mark like Garbage 2.0 but I bought it anyway because of Shirley Manson's voice. I love her voice as much as Karen O's (Yeah Yeah Yeahs) and Ryutaro Arimura's (Plastic Tree). This time around, I'll bet the album is rockin'! Here's to a rockin' weekend.. Mom will be back from China. Lots of gifts and hopefully the leather messenger bag *beams* ^.^
Friday, June 3
I Am Useless
music: Heart - No Other Love
I had an awesome day... clicking away the shutter at the botanic gardens where an international floral festival was held. Photography has definitely brought happiness into my life. It's like the alcohol equivalent. When you're at it, you just forget about all the sorrow you are facing. You try to look at things at different angles, to find the perfect and most beautiful perspective. You capture it and keep it the way you see it. Every moment in your life passes by every second, so quickly. Every beautiful thing that God has created just slips by your eyes before you could even stop to appreciate it. Ever since I discovered photography, I discover how wonderful this earth I live in. I thought beauty no longer exists, not in my life nor this world. All I see are destruction, over-development, hatred and war among our own kind, selfish people, arrogant people... I live everyday despising my life because I couldn't connect with people. I couldn't help always feeling depressed and useless. But then I found a door that eventually let me forget those feeling. Instead of constantly looking at negative, I am beginning to look at the positive.
I am progressing well. I am starting to feel like I am capable of producing good result through what I've worked for. I am beginning to get rid of this perception that I am always a failure. But then this had to happen? WHY? AM I DESTINED TO BE A FAILURE? IS THIS MY DESTINY?
I AM NOT SUPPOSE TO ACHIEVE ANYTHING THAT I CAN BE PROUD OF? I guess I'm just stupid. I am worthless. I am nothing in this world. I am incapable of everything. Not relationship with people. Not even in doing something which I like. Everything, anything that I've ever tried doing fails miserably.
My camera is broken. The entire roll of film I shot this morning snaps out from the casing. The one and only thing that could make me feel proud of myself...I can't get that right either. Fuck. I have lost enthusiasm in everything. GOD..PLEASE TAKE MY MEANINGLESS LIFE!
