Finding Wings
I hope any of the overseas job applications will be materialized soon. I've been waiting patiently to get out of my hometown. The best time of my life has actually been during the 4 years in university, away from home, away from relatives, living my life with total freedom. It's such a stupid mistake to even consider taking up the offer in my hometown as my first job. Now I'm regretting every minute more I'm spending here.It doesn't and should never feel good hearing your own parents saying things that don't side you. They think they are talking sense into you but really, there are appropriate time and tone that can be used. What's the deal with the mocking that I don't exercise enough, thus causing myself to fall sick? So it was my fault that I had a fever. Thanks, but I would appreciate some parental concern and save the lecture for another time while I was lying on the bed having barely an ounce of energy to fight back.
Then there's the assumption that I always keep things to myself or I'm always the party who is responsible. It was the assumption that made me mad in the first place and wanted to keep quiet. When they don't ask what was wrong and made an assumption, there's nothing to be said. From that point on, I never felt like they care. All I wanted was some consolation from them. But dad says, if you want to be happy, you have to search it on your own. Well I believe happiness can be given too. Like how my girlfriend has given me smiles whenever I'm with her.
From multiple past experiences since I was young, it was the period in college that I have told myself not to bother telling them anything. Somehow those experiences are etched to my mind. One time after coming home from Girl's Scout camp, I relay to mom my joy of my team winning a few awards in the categories. All she said was, it must have been all my other particular friend's effort. Each time I recall this memory, it evokes emotional pain.
Another incident was when I was younger, just starting primary school. My sister was only a newborn. I have always been quite a forgetful person I suppose. One day, I left mom's bag with my baby sister's milk bottles at the parking lot. Yup, could have caused my sis to die of hunger I guess, because the moment I told mom, I was scolded with all kinds of cursed words imaginable. I think death would be less painful than sharp words spoken by your loved ones.
It feels good to let this out. I know no one understands, so I didn't want to ever mention it. It's easier to type it off into oblivion. I did sort of tell this to my girlfriend, but her family is compassionate. It's just another side of a story which is not comprehensible when you don't have the kind of experience. Just need to let this out before it boils off the top.
